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Cows!

World Ideologies And Corporations As Explained By Reference Cows.

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FEUDALISM

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. Your neighbors vote for who they want to vote for later to tell you who gets the milk. Your neighbors make a final vote months later. After several recounts, a group of representatives pick someone who may or may not have received the most votes from your neighbors to tell you who gets the milk.

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? You feel righteous.

LIBERTARIAN

You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE SOCIALISM

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM

Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

PURE COMMUNISM

You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

REAL WORLD COMMUNISM

You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much now sour milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much now sour milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

FASCISM

You have two cows. The government takes both, forces you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
 
PURE ANARCHY

You Have two cows. You decide who gets the milk and how much to sell it for. No one can tell you otherwise.

REAL WORLD ANARCHY

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

TOTAL ANARCHY

You have two cows. The fence you built was torn down by thugs. The cows run away and you hide while the thugs take your stuff.
 
UTOPIAN SOCIETY

You have two cows. You do as you please all day and both cows produce enough ambrosia for your entire society. Wow, life is freakin' great.

BUREAUCRACY

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ENVIRONMENTALISM

You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. You go hug a tree.

COUNTER CULTURE

Dude, you have like, two cows...... You have got to try some of this milk....... mmmmmm, that's good stuff.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

PURE CAPITALISM
Your company has two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

CAPITALISM
Your company doesn't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. You file for bankruptcy.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

CANADIAN CORPORATION #1
You have two cows. Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk to the US market. The American government decides that you are taking advantage of federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps you with 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the above-mentioned American Corporation. Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic gold. You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for the outburst and get back to milking your cows.

CANADIAN CORPORATION #2
You have two cows, but only need the milk from one. So you sell one cow to an American company, who markets its product as being "pure Canadian milk." That American corporation prospers thanks to its "pure Canadian" marketing campaign. Meanwhile, you continue to sell the milk from your one cow at the same price in the same way. Canadian media finds out about the original "cow to America" transaction and creates a major story throughout Canada about how the big, greedy, successful American corporations prey on the ma and pa corporations North of the border. Influenced by the media, you file an unsuccessful lawsuit towards the American corporation. Upon the failure of the lawsuit, the Canadian media once again complains about the big, greedy American corporations.Three months later, you decide you don't like the cow farming business anyhow, so you sell your remaining cow to the same American corporation that bought the first cow, and go into the ping-pong ball manufacturing business.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You break for lunch. Life is good.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch and buy her some gelato. Life is good.
 
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blonde, give excellent quality milk, run a hundred miles an hour, and live for a hundred years. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year.

SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

SWEDISH CORPORATION
You have two cows, so you demand government support for struggling small farmers. While struggling against all the other small farmers for the government support (arguing that not only is your company providing at least two jobs for cows in a rural area, but also that since they are female you are also promoting equality) you don't have the time to get the massive EU grant for corporations with two cows.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. You ask your bulls to screw in a lightbulb because you don't know how.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them again and learn you have five cows. You count them once more and learn you have 42 cows. You count them a final time and learn you have 12 cows and that they are all standing on the ceiling. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

DUBAI CORPORATION
You have two cows and more than enough milk for your tiny country. You sell the large quantaties of surplus milk and make millions of dollars. You then proceed to try to buy the rights to American ranches.

ARAB CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both of your cows are starving, but you monopolize the world's grass seed industry and raise prices as high as you like. You get rich and buy as many cows as you like. Your cows are killed in a holy war.

BRAZILIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You ride your cows in the Carnivale parade. Life is good.

ANTARCTIC CORPORATION
You are either a penguin or a seal, neither of which can own cows. You go eat a fish.

ENRON CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. You get caught, are charged with fraud, file for bankruptcy, and your employees are cowless.
 

ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute
...

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